https://batshit.com/news/top-enterprise-rep-prepares-for-record-quarter-with-20-minutes-of-visualizing-ex The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-06T14:20:10.421Z Top Sales Rep Prepares For Brutal Quarter By Visualizing Exact Tonnage Of Shit He Must Eat tech, sales, corporate life, mindfulness https://batshit.com/news/comedian-scraps-national-debt-bit-realizing-40-trillion-too-big-to-get The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-05T19:51:02.457Z "So, How About That Bond Market...?" Comedian Scraps National Debt Bit After Realizing $40 Trillion Is Too Big To Get stand-up comedy, national debt, economics, crowd work https://batshit.com/news/cvs-health-analysts-strong-growth-paper-receipt-efficiency The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-04T18:41:43.569Z CVS Health Analysts Project Continued Strong Growth After Paper Receipt Efficiency Plan Revealed retail, business, consulting, cvs https://batshit.com/news/federal-government-reopens-asylums-for-citizens-broken-by-truth-of-jeff-booths-p The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-03T22:41:17.110Z Federal Government Reopens Asylums For Citizens Broken By Truth Of Jeff Booth's 'Price Of Tomorrow' economics, federal reserve, technology, mental health https://batshit.com/news/tiger-woods-agrees-to-plea-deal-mandating-he-arrive-at-next-three-pga-events-in The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-02T23:12:14.159Z Tiger Woods Agrees To Plea Deal Mandating He Drive a 2011 Hyundai Elantra sports, golf, legal, celebrities https://batshit.com/news/apple-ceo-lake-america-relieved-trump-pregnant-man-emoji The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-01T20:55:04.573Z Apple CEO 'Fine' With 'Lake America', Relieved Trump Didn't Mention 'Pregnant Man' Emoji apple, google, trump, emoji, tech, culture war https://batshit.com/news/lawmakers-express-serene-confidence-social-security-shortfall-will-be-magically The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-09-01T01:49:24.696Z Lawmakers Confident $1M Bitcoin Will Address Social Security Insolvency By 2032 politics, social security, bitcoin, cryptocurrency, legislative inaction https://batshit.com/news/florida-schools-implement-gulag-gym-class-to-viscerally-illustrate-flaws-of-cent The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-30T23:02:27.655Z 'Gulag Gym Class' to Help Students Viscerally Understand Flaws of Central Planning florida, education, communism, satire, politics https://batshit.com/news/im-like-you-says-man-who-misplaced-a-5000-bottle-wine-cellar The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-29T14:38:30.693Z ‘I’m Like You,’ Says Man Who Misplaced 5,000-Bottle Capacity Wine Cellar gavin newsom, california, politics, relatability, luxury https://batshit.com/news/nation-shrugs-as-trump-renames-lake-ontario-lake-covfefe-citing-tremendous The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-28T22:04:04.434Z Nation Shrugs as Trump Renames Lake Ontario "Lake Covfefe," Citing "Tremendous Beauty, Believe Me..." trump, politics, fatigue, executive order, absurdity https://batshit.com/news/experts-warn-us-future-energy-needs-to-be-met-solely-by-positive-energy-as-new-t The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-28T00:06:48.974Z Voracious U.S. Energy Demand To Be Met By Leveraging "Indomitable American Will" energy, politics, satire, trump, kiyosaki https://batshit.com/news/federal-inmates-alaska-primary-win-attributed-to-radical-honesty-campaign-promis The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-26T23:34:04.755Z Alaskan Voters Find Prisoner's Radical Transparency Refreshing "When He Says He's a Criminal, I Believe Him..." alaska politics, political satire, prison, democracy, collect calls https://batshit.com/news/stunt-coordinator-confirms-bourne-colonoscopy-action-sequences-comfy-recliner The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-25T23:55:10.845Z Stunt Coordinator Confirms: 'Bourne Colonoscopy' Action Sequences Will Mostly Involve Jason Bourne Carefully Getting In/Out Of Comfy Hospital Recliner matt damon, jason bourne, colonoscopy, stunts, aging, hollywood https://batshit.com/news/local-bjj-white-belt-promoted-to-pantone-292-c-immediately-suspects-coach-is-que The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-24T23:31:29.573Z Local BJJ White Belt Promoted To "Pantone 292 C," Immediately Suspects Coach Is Questioning His Masculinity bjj, martial arts, masculinity, colors, humiliation https://batshit.com/news/Boston-fed-offer-local-man-position-unmasks-inflations-true-nature The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-23T23:17:54.583Z Boston Fed Offers Local Man Salaried Position After He Unmasks Inflation's True Nature economics, finance, central banking, satire, inflation https://batshit.com/news/study-finds-providence-dpw-road-sign-installation-reduces-motorist-visibility-by The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-22T16:55:27.678Z Providence DPW Road Sign Installation Reduces Motorist Visibility By Exactly One Road Sign urban planning, public safety, bureaucracy, irony, traffic https://batshit.com/news/navy-committee-considers-uss-heel-spurs-honor-trump-avoid-controversy The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-21T21:48:08.054Z Navy Naming Committee Considers 'USS Heel Spurs' To Honor Trump While Avoiding 'Sitting President' Controversy naval renaming, trump, satire, heel spurs, political absurdity https://batshit.com/news/trump-auctions-naming-rights-to-washington-monument-alleviate-national-debt The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-20T22:12:39.603Z Trump Auctions Naming Rights to Washington Monument; TikTok Watermark Added to National Debt Clock trump, national debt, corporate sponsorship, absurdity, politics https://batshit.com/news/ftc-proposes-retailers-disclose-hate-you-customer The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-20T01:35:05.027Z FTC Proposal Requires Retailers to Fully Disclose How Much They Hate You as a Customer retail, ftc, transparency, consumer protection, customer service, corporate cynicism https://batshit.com/news/saylors-search-fresh-digital-nouns-emergency-acquisition-obscure-dictionary-publisher The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-18T23:52:22.253Z Frantic Michael Saylor Searches for Fresh "Digital" Nouns, Acquires Obscure 17th-Century Dictionary Publisher bitcoin, michael saylor, tech, language, satire https://batshit.com/news/interviewer-passes-job-candidate-smoke-detector-beeping The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-18T01:56:55.338Z "Detail Oriented" Job Candidate Doesn't Realize Smoke Detector is Trying to Communicate With Him job interview, smoke detector, focus, workplace, absurdity, remote work https://batshit.com/news/new-york-legislator-proposes-shoplifters-discount-to-honor-biological-urge-to-st The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-17T00:53:57.564Z DSA Assemblywoman Proposes "Five Finger Discount" Legislation to Address Biological "Need to Steal" politics, new york, retail, social justice, crime https://batshit.com/news/officer-defends-stalking-ex-wife-with-flock-tech-cites-the-inevitable-march-of The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-16T02:14:43.465Z Officer Defends Stalking Ex-Wife with Flock Tech, Cites "The Inevitable March of Progress" privacy, surveillance, police, technology, relationships https://batshit.com/news/financially-ruined-followers-hail-crypto-gurus-unwavering-confidence-as-only-thi The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-14T12:24:47.173Z Financially Ruined Followers Hail Crypto Guru's Unwavering Confidence As "Only Thing Not Down 90%" In Their Lives finance, cryptocurrency, influencers, cult, market crash https://batshit.com/news/ice-officers-laud-new-motivational-enhancement-gloves-for-expediting-arrests The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-13T23:18:28.838Z ICE Officers Laud New "Motivational Enhancement Gloves" for Expediting Arrests, Facility Processing ice, border, technology, efficiency, government https://batshit.com/news/phallic-signature-checkout-terminal-deemed-perfectly-valid The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-13T00:46:43.704Z Man’s Phallic Signature at Checkout Terminal Deemed ‘Perfectly Valid’ By Banking System finance, security theater, credit card, absurdity, banking https://batshit.com/news/tesla-fsd-convert-urges-federal-government-to-replace-elected-officials The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-11T14:35:39.023Z Tesla FSD Convert Urges Federal Government to Replace Most Elected Officials With "Slightly More Vigilant, Multi-Camera Systems" tesla, fsd, government, ai, technology https://batshit.com/news/arse-tatters-guinness-162-years-on-still-delivers-reckoning The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-10T20:34:42.684Z "Arse in Tatters..." Guinness Still Delivers Gastrointestinal Reckoning 162 Years Later archaeology, beer, guinness, digestion, maritime https://batshit.com/news/mypillow-deemed-critical-infrastructure-lindell-receives-50-billion The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-09T14:56:30.071Z "MyPillow" Deemed Critical Infrastructure, Lindell Receives $50 Billion Federal Grant to Ensure Americans' Comfort in Times of "Electoral Uncertainty" government spending, political satire, election integrity, comfort objects, mike lindell https://batshit.com/news/blackrock-larry-fink-thanks-coldcard-generous-bitcoin-etf-promotional-campaign The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-08T14:42:24.989Z BlackRock CEO Larry Fink Thanks "Coldcard" for Generous $100M Bitcoin ETF Promotional Campaign crypto, etf, finance, blackrock, self-custody