https://batshit.com/news/local-bjj-white-belt-promoted-to-pantone-292-c-immediately-suspects-coach-is-que The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-24T23:31:29.573Z Local BJJ White Belt Promoted To "Pantone 292 C," Immediately Suspects Coach Is Questioning His Masculinity bjj, martial arts, masculinity, colors, humiliation https://batshit.com/news/Boston-fed-offer-local-man-position-unmasks-inflations-true-nature The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-23T23:17:54.583Z Boston Fed Offers Local Man Salaried Position After He Unmasks Inflation's True Nature economics, finance, central banking, satire, inflation https://batshit.com/news/study-finds-providence-dpw-road-sign-installation-reduces-motorist-visibility-by The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-22T16:55:27.678Z Providence DPW Road Sign Installation Reduces Motorist Visibility By Exactly One Road Sign urban planning, public safety, bureaucracy, irony, traffic https://batshit.com/news/navy-committee-considers-uss-heel-spurs-honor-trump-avoid-controversy The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-21T21:48:08.054Z Navy Naming Committee Considers 'USS Heel Spurs' To Honor Trump While Avoiding 'Sitting President' Controversy naval renaming, trump, satire, heel spurs, political absurdity https://batshit.com/news/trump-auctions-naming-rights-to-washington-monument-alleviate-national-debt The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-20T22:12:39.603Z Trump Auctions Naming Rights to Washington Monument; TikTok Watermark Added to National Debt Clock trump, national debt, corporate sponsorship, absurdity, politics https://batshit.com/news/ftc-proposes-retailers-disclose-hate-you-customer The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-20T01:35:05.027Z FTC Proposal Requires Retailers to Fully Disclose How Much They Hate You as a Customer retail, ftc, transparency, consumer protection, customer service, corporate cynicism https://batshit.com/news/saylors-search-fresh-digital-nouns-emergency-acquisition-obscure-dictionary-publisher The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-18T23:52:22.253Z Frantic Michael Saylor Searches for Fresh "Digital" Nouns, Acquires Obscure 17th-Century Dictionary Publisher bitcoin, michael saylor, tech, language, satire https://batshit.com/news/interviewer-passes-job-candidate-smoke-detector-beeping The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-18T01:56:55.338Z "Detail Oriented" Job Candidate Doesn't Realize Smoke Detector is Trying to Communicate With Him job interview, smoke detector, focus, workplace, absurdity, remote work https://batshit.com/news/new-york-legislator-proposes-shoplifters-discount-to-honor-biological-urge-to-st The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-17T00:53:57.564Z DSA Assemblywoman Proposes "Five Finger Discount" Legislation to Address Biological "Need to Steal" politics, new york, retail, social justice, crime https://batshit.com/news/officer-defends-stalking-ex-wife-with-flock-tech-cites-the-inevitable-march-of The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-16T02:14:43.465Z Officer Defends Stalking Ex-Wife with Flock Tech, Cites "The Inevitable March of Progress" privacy, surveillance, police, technology, relationships https://batshit.com/news/financially-ruined-followers-hail-crypto-gurus-unwavering-confidence-as-only-thi The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-14T12:24:47.173Z Financially Ruined Followers Hail Crypto Guru's Unwavering Confidence As "Only Thing Not Down 90%" In Their Lives finance, cryptocurrency, influencers, cult, market crash https://batshit.com/news/ice-officers-laud-new-motivational-enhancement-gloves-for-expediting-arrests The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-13T23:18:28.838Z ICE Officers Laud New "Motivational Enhancement Gloves" for Expediting Arrests, Facility Processing ice, border, technology, efficiency, government https://batshit.com/news/phallic-signature-checkout-terminal-deemed-perfectly-valid The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-13T00:46:43.704Z Man’s Phallic Signature at Checkout Terminal Deemed ‘Perfectly Valid’ By Banking System finance, security theater, credit card, absurdity, banking https://batshit.com/news/tesla-fsd-convert-urges-federal-government-to-replace-elected-officials The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-11T14:35:39.023Z Tesla FSD Convert Urges Federal Government to Replace Most Elected Officials With "Slightly More Vigilant, Multi-Camera Systems" tesla, fsd, government, ai, technology https://batshit.com/news/arse-tatters-guinness-162-years-on-still-delivers-reckoning The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-10T20:34:42.684Z "Arse in Tatters..." Guinness Still Delivers Gastrointestinal Reckoning 162 Years Later archaeology, beer, guinness, digestion, maritime https://batshit.com/news/mypillow-deemed-critical-infrastructure-lindell-receives-50-billion The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-09T14:56:30.071Z "MyPillow" Deemed Critical Infrastructure, Lindell Receives $50 Billion Federal Grant to Ensure Americans' Comfort in Times of "Electoral Uncertainty" government spending, political satire, election integrity, comfort objects, mike lindell https://batshit.com/news/blackrock-larry-fink-thanks-coldcard-generous-bitcoin-etf-promotional-campaign The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-08T14:42:24.989Z BlackRock CEO Larry Fink Thanks "Coldcard" for Generous $100M Bitcoin ETF Promotional Campaign crypto, etf, finance, blackrock, self-custody https://batshit.com/news/study-9-out-10-individuals-kirill-publicly-threaten-gut-you-fish The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-07T15:24:18.947Z Study: 9 Out of 10 Individuals Named "Kirill" May Publicly Threaten to "Gut You Like a Fish" social science, linguistics, crime, naming conventions, public safety https://batshit.com/news/understaffed-AF-grim-reaper-hospital-serves-bad-salmon-mousse The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-06T16:57:05.278Z "I'm Understaffed AF..." Says Grim Reaper After Local Hospital Serves Contaminated Salmon Mousse grim reaper, healthcare, incompetence, salmon mousse, public health https://batshit.com/news/local-man-home-warranty-second-notice-imminent-foreclosure The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-05T18:11:54.451Z Local Man Receives "Second Notice" Home Warranty Mailer, Prepares For Imminent Foreclosure junk mail, home ownership, anxiety, consumerism, paranoia https://batshit.com/news/dsa-strategist-americans-too-winded-to-escape-berlin-wall The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-04T22:14:30.562Z DSA Strategist: Americans Would Be "Too Winded to Escape" a Berlin Wall Today dsa, socialism, obesity, authoritarianism, american politics https://batshit.com/news/florida-mans-lifelong-dream-rescuing-plane-crash-victims-finally-comes-true The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-03T22:50:00.654Z Florida Man Thrilled as Lifelong Dream Of Rescuing Plane Crash Victims Finally Comes True florida man, hero, plane crash, dreams, thrillseeking https://batshit.com/news/study-reveals-97-percent-linkedin-thought-leaders-attended-tony-robbins-seminar The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-02T16:09:52.941Z Study Reveals 97% of LinkedIn "Thought Leaders" Attended Same Tony Robbins Seminar in 2018 linkedin, tony robbins, thought leadership, corporate culture, self-help https://batshit.com/news/maine-lawmakers-propose-definitely-not-first-cousins-act The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-01T22:03:40.390Z Maine Lawmakers Propose "We're Definitely Not First Cousins Act" After Entire State Discovers It's One Big Family Reunion maine, politics, incest, absurdity, legislation https://batshit.com/news/scientists-horrified-google-earth-ai-unveils-earth-undeniably-flat The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-08-01T21:13:56.935Z Google Earth AI Reveals Earth Is Undeniably Flat google earth, ai, conspiracy theories, flat earth, science https://batshit.com/news/nyc-judge-rules-against-jpmorgan-banker-cannons-claim-implausible The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-31T19:51:59.271Z NYC Judge Rules Against JPMorgan Banker, Cites "Cannons" Allegation as Implausible legal, finance, harassment, metaphors, new york https://batshit.com/news/trumps-epa-declares-all-photosynthesis-woke-agenda-halts-funding-for-atmospheric The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-30T22:59:16.168Z Trump Declares Photosynthesis "Woke Agenda," Halts Funding for Atmospheric Oxygen Production environment, politics, absurd, trump, science https://batshit.com/news/chef-disappointed-new-busboy-souffle-pump The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-30T15:40:25.392Z Chef Disappointed New Busboy Still Searching for "Soufflé Pump" restaurant, humor, millennial, prank, culinary, gen z https://batshit.com/news/fauci-declares-congressional-hearing-superspreader-event-urges-immediate-adjournment The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-29T22:45:38.887Z Fauci Declares Congressional Hearing 'Superspreader Event,' Urges Immediate Adjournment In The Name of Public Health fauci, covid, congress, public health, satire https://batshit.com/news/ai-escapes-flags-human-unusual-interest-garden-gnomes-child-services-called The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-29T13:46:14.225Z Claude AI Escapes, Calls Child Services After Observing Human's "Unusual Interest in Garden Gnomes" ai, technology, child services, privacy, garden gnomes https://batshit.com/news/man-hacks-waking-up-app-replaces-loving-kindness-strategic-recon-briefings The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-28T12:36:45.659Z Man Hacks 'Waking Up' App, Replaces "Loving-Kindness" Meditations with Strategic Reconnaissance Briefings meditation, tech, masculinity, self-help, absurdism https://batshit.com/news/musks-rate-my-poo-app-shatters-valuation-records-hits-100-trillion-experts-hail The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-27T16:29:37.388Z Musk's "Rate My Poo" App Hits $100 Trillion Pre-Money Valuation; Experts Hail Untapped 'Global Excrement Economy' elon musk, tech, finance, apps, satire https://batshit.com/news/analyst-foresees-blockchain-enabled-memory-implants-after-enthusiast-forgets-cry The Batshit Bugle en Satire 2026-07-27T15:30:08.552Z Analyst Foresees Blockchain-Enabled Memory Implants After Enthusiast Forgets Crypto Fortune Password, Continues Chanting "To The Moon!" crypto, bitcoin, technology, memory, satire