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    With Endowment At $68 Billion, Harvard Reiterates Teaching Remains Important For Tax Purposes — Batshit Bugle satirical news illustrationSatire

    With Endowment At $68 Billion, Harvard Reiterates Teaching Remains Important For Tax Purposes

    Following a 27% portfolio surge, administrators assure auditors that students remain essential to the investment strategy.

    By Staff Writer
    •

    CAMBRIDGE, MA — Harvard recently confirmed it would continue offering educational classes, even amid reports its endowment recently soared to $68 billion. The institution's investment portfolio increased by 27% in fiscal 2026 led by a $2.2 billion investment in SpaceX.

    “Teaching isn’t our core competency, but our tax team seems very attached to it,” said investment operations director Armando Blough. “When a private investment fund is surrendering 20 to 50 percent on realized gains, our ability to pay a 1.4 to 8 percent excise rate makes maintaining an undergraduate population exceptionally accretive.

    "We view our undergraduate and graduate student curricula as important compliance expenses...”

    A spokesperson stressed that the university would continue hiring administrative staff, while retaining enough professors, classrooms, and visible intellectual activity to substantiate its educational mission. A proposed conversion of the philosophy department into a potential secondaries desk was postponed until someone could determine whether office hours counted as market research or due diligence.

    The endowment’s annual report devoted several pages to private aerospace exposure and a reassuring sentence on the continued importance of sophomores.

    Faculty liaison Bonnie Murphy rejected suggestions that the filing was mere apologia for running an investment partnership, noting that students directly benefited from the university’s financial success, even if they might object to certain investments.

    “Without the endowment, tuition would have to be much higher,” Murphy said. “With the endowment, it can still be extremely high, but we have the ability to waive tuition as needed, such as for public relations purposes, demonstrating a broad public benefit."

    #harvard#endowments#higher education#private equity

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