Today's Paper · Oct 7, 2026
Satirical news from Wall Street and your brokerage app: fake stories about stocks, bonds, gold, banks and the people who swear they saw it coming. All stories are fictional.
Discounted cash flow models gather dust while risk managers model chances of clients hearing someone else got rich first.
By Staff Writer • Oct 5, 2026 • 💬 127
Markets & MoneyBanks offering competitive starting salaries for junior talent to teach autonomous software how to eliminate junior talent.
Oct 4, 2026 • 💬 278
Markets & MoneyInternal review reveals DEI portfolio just owned Nvidia, Microsoft and Apple in different wrapper.
Oct 1, 2026 • 💬 269
Markets & MoneyS-1 registration filing lists total loss of capital as the best-case downside scenario.
Sep 30, 2026 • 💬 272
Markets & MoneyWearable maker delays Nasdaq debut after smart ring finds Wall Street analysts severely sleep-deprived with low 'Readiness' scores.
Sep 29, 2026 • 💬 360
Markets & MoneyBeaverton executives pivot from selling sneakers to having signature athletes post bullish equity analysis.
Sep 27, 2026 • 💬 193
Markets & MoneyResearch note assures investors enterprise endpoint protection will outperform the market during total human extinction.
Sep 17, 2026 • 💬 108
Markets & MoneyFinancial elites, recognizing an inconvenient truth-teller, extend a token offer to a civilian who accurately diagnosed their clandestine operations.
Aug 23, 2026 • 💬 382
Markets & MoneyFinancial experts confirm the meticulous rendering of male genitalia holds the same legal weight as a squiggly line.
Aug 13, 2026 • 💬 290
Court dismisses harassment claim after plaintiff's cannons assertion deemed implausible on its face.
Jul 31, 2026 • 💬 384
Investors gleefully ignore traditional metrics, citing universal human need for bowel movement assessment.
Jul 27, 2026 • 💬 377
