FTC Proposal Requires Retailers to Fully Disclose How Much They Hate You as a Customer

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) announced a new directive today that will require employees of all major retailers to be "transparent regarding the specific level of outright loathing they and/or the company harbors for you."

The ruling, slated to go into effect in early 2027, is being hailed as the ultimate consumer transparency measure.

The initiative, officially titled the "Customer Contempt Disclosure Act (CCDA)," mandates that alongside transaction receipts and terms of service, companies must now provide you with at least one direct comment about how they feel about you as a customer.

The direct feedback may be delivered verbally, on paper or via mobile app, and be clearly ranked using a publicly available numerical "Customer Disdain Score", ranging from 1.0 (mild inconvenience) to 10.0 (utterly despised, complete piece of shit).

"For too long, consumers have been forced to guess whether a company truly values their patronage," stated Dr. David Solomon, head of the FTC's newly formed Division of Corporate Contempt Transparency.

"When it comes to our customers, the research indicates that their understanding of relative retailer sentiment, such as 'ugh, this fucking guy again' significantly impacts their perceived value in any transaction.

"We also believe consumers have a right to know if their continued presence is actively contributing to declining sales and employee turnover."

Factors influencing the score are expected to include, but not be limited to: the frequency of returns without original packaging, physical appearance, word choice and vocal tone, attempts to haggle over advertised prices, requesting to speak to a manager, sighing loudly, use of a "Lark" or other seated mobility scooter, and choosing to make small talk while an employee is trying to work.

"Frankly, I’m a little overwhelmed with the feedback," admitted Stacey Huggins, a customer at a local Best Buy.

“One clerk told me, ‘I’m not ignoring you. I’m just ranking all of today’s customers by how badly I want to shit in their purse... You’re in first place!’

“I, um, overheard another employee saying to someone, ‘No, we don’t have it in the back... The back is where I go to jerk off and question every life choice that led me to dealing with you.’

Starbucks reported that in an initial beta test, 87% of their customers receiving a CCDA above 5.0, with a surprising number hitting 7.8 or higher with mobile orders.

The FTC hopes this new transparency will foster a more honest relationship between buyers and sellers, even if that honesty is brutally uncomfortable.

Solomon added, "The mobile app is a nice option. We want consumers to walk away knowing exactly where they stand – ideally, without some employees having to scribble it on the side of a coffee cup."