Spirit Halloween Announces New DSA Horror Lineup, Bernie Sanders Relegated To ‘Useful Idiot’ Endcap

EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, NJ — Recognizing that true, paralyzing dread has migrated far beyond cheap jump-scares and supernatural slashers, Spirit Halloween announced Monday that its flagship stores will feature an entire aisle dedicated exclusively to Democratic Socialists of America (DSA) figures, while quarantining Senator Bernie Sanders to a standalone “Useful Idiot” promotional endcap.

The new “Caucus of Horrors” section features complete poly-blend disguise kits of dues-paying DSA members like Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib and New York Assemblyman Zohran Mamdani.

“When our merchandising team surveyed regular Americans on what genuinely keeps them awake in cold sweats, generic ghouls didn't even make the top twenty,” said Spirit Halloween merchandising director Skylar Whitfield.

“The public is profoundly unsettled by the prospect of abolishing the police, public ownership of corporations and municipalized grocery stores. These ideas belong right between the fog machines and the animatronic butcher.”

Store planners ran into an categorical snag, however, when assigning a location to the Bernie Sanders costume. Despite serving as the ideological gateway drug for the modern movement, the Vermont independent has never actually paid formal national DSA dues, barring his costume from placement in the "official" DSA section.

“We strictly adhere to organizational taxonomies in retail display,” explained inventory coordinator Stephen Mansour. “Unfortunately, we can’t hang the unaffiliated octogenarian right next to certified, card-carrying local DSA organizers without confusing people. So we quarantined Bernie to a nearby Useful Idiot endcap and a bespoke novelty rack with "bags of dicks" and other stuff like that near the checkout.”

The standalone Sanders package retails for $29.99 and includes oversized recycled-fleece mittens, a rumpled sport coat, and a motion-activated voice box that bellows about the top one-tenth of one percent before immediately ceding its speaking time to an unelected steering committee.

Spirit Halloween confirmed that every costume in the main DSA aisle comes standard with a plastic lapel pin of a calculator that doesn't work, a hat tip to basic DSA budgetary arithmetic.