Today's Paper · Sep 23, 2026
Financial panic, political theater, and market-moving nonsense. All stories are fictional.
Administration insists soaring inflation, market chaos, and tanked legislation are all deliberate components of a master economic tapestry.
By Staff Writer • Sep 19, 2026 • 💬 158
PoliticsAdministration insists crypto payout bypasses unconstitutional Treasury outlays while offering voters unlimited upward volatility.
Sep 10, 2026 • 💬 63
PoliticsGame show taping grinds to a halt as lawmaker proves conceptually immune to runaway federal deficit metaphor.
Sep 7, 2026 • 💬 132
PoliticsTech giant executive breathes sigh of relief as he passes the CEO baton, avoiding Trump's demands and potentially more fraught cultural battles.
Sep 1, 2026 • 💬 360
PoliticsFlorida students to experience hands-on poverty, scarcity, and forced calisthenics to grasp communism's economic failures.
Aug 30, 2026 • 💬 332
PoliticsGovernor Gavin Newsom, facing questions about his lavish Sacramento-area home, says forgetting a climate-controlled subterranean wing is "the kind of thing that happens when you're busy serving people."
Aug 29, 2026 • 💬 137
PoliticsAmericans reportedly too tired to even process latest presidential proclamation.
Aug 28, 2026 • 💬 300
PoliticsNew ban on energy infrastructure from foreign entities of concern (FEOC) means nation's demand for incremental power to rely heavily on positive thinking.
Aug 28, 2026 • 💬 146
PoliticsPrisoner's platform of "supporting working families" contingent on accepting reverse-charge calls resonates with Alaskan voters.
Aug 26, 2026 • 💬 233
Naval review board seeks to bypass naming conventions with a 'deeply personal' homage to Commander-in-Chief's documented medical history.
Aug 21, 2026 • 💬 323
Department of Homeland Security unveils innovative tech, touting unprecedented boosts in administrative efficiency.
Aug 13, 2026 • 💬 349
Local man, having completed a hands-free road trip, believes 360-degree digital awareness is the missing link in governance.
Aug 11, 2026 • 💬 207
Citing national obesity rates, DSA "wunderkind" argues a sedentary American populace key to socialist success, traditional authoritarian measures unnecessary.
Aug 4, 2026 • 💬 379
New bill would require DNA-certified family trees for all political candidates and offers a "Logger's Exception" for those who bring firewood.
Aug 1, 2026 • 💬 46
President Trump condemns "radical decarbonization efforts", claiming trees are "quiet quitting" carbon dioxide for political reasons.
Jul 30, 2026 • 💬 16
Kingdom assures global community this intercontinental missile system, capable of reaching any point on Earth, is purely for agricultural research.
Jul 25, 2026 • 💬 309
The Mayor of Greater Manchester's relaxed attire proves too effective, prompting a review of Whitehall security protocols and the acceptable sartorial spectrum for elected officials.
Jul 20, 2026 • 💬 156
A historic diplomatic initiative aims to de-escalate Middle East tensions through the power of earnest entreaty.
Jul 11, 2026 • 💬 121
