Trump Declares Photosynthesis "Woke Agenda," Halts Funding for Atmospheric Oxygen Production

MAR-A-LAGO, FL – In a move that environmentalists are calling "biologically impossible" and "genuinely perplexing," President Donald Trump, acting via a newly-formed advisory committee within his EPA, has officially declared all photosynthesis to be a "woke agenda," effective immediately.

The declaration includes a directive to halt all federal funding and regulatory support for atmospheric oxygen production, citing concerns over the "radical decarbonization efforts" of trees, plants and other "leafy greens".

Speaking from his Mar-a-Lago estate, Trump addressed a small, hand-picked audience of petrochemical executives, explaining his rationale.

"For too long, these trees, these bushes, these… grass blades, they've been pushing their socialist oxygen agenda, trying to make America 'cleaner' and 'more breathable,'" Trump asserted, gesturing broadly towards a manicured koi pond.

"It's a deep state plot, folks. They want to turn our factories into meditation retreats. And frankly, this whole 'carbon capture' thing?

"You know who they're really trying to capture...? us."

The President's directive follows earlier remarks where he criticized "DEI trees," linking them to what he described as the "leftist obsession with diversity, equity, and inclusion."

According to a leaked memo from Trump's official "Presidential Commission on Atmospheric Integrity," obtained by this reporter, the EPA's new stance is rooted in a belief that plants' conversion of carbon dioxide into oxygen is an insidious form of "virtue signaling" designed to undermine American industry.

Dr. Eleanor Ross, PhD, a noted botanist and theoretical environmental policy expert at the University of California, Berkeley, expressed profound confusion.

"Photosynthesis is a fundamental biological process," Dr. Ross stated, her voice trembling slightly. "It's how plants generate energy and, as a byproduct, produce the oxygen nearly all aerobic life on Earth depends on. Declaring it 'woke' is like declaring gravity an anti-freedom force. It simply... is."

When pressed on how the planet would sustain life without significant atmospheric oxygen, a spokesperson for Trump's EPA, Ms. Alice Stafford, issued a statement. "The President believes American ingenuity will find alternative 'air solutions.'

"We are exploring options like privatized oxygen farms and the strategic reallocation of existing breathable gases.

"Furthermore, the notion that 'all life on Earth' needs oxygen is just another talking point from the radical left... What about anaerobic bacteria?

"Are they not 'diverse' enough for the globalists?"

The directive also reportedly includes plans to reclassify all woody biomass, from towering redwoods to ornamental shrubs, as "infrastructure for political dissent," thus making them eligible for punitive excise taxes.

"If they're going to keep absorbing our good American carbon for free, they can at least pay their fair share," Trump concluded, before announcing a new line of "Trump: Make America Breathe Again" oxygen canisters, exclusively available through his online properties.

His next move is rumored to be a federal injunction against the Earth’s natural rotation, which he claims is contributing to "dangerous levels of dizzying leftist disorientation."