Maine Lawmakers Propose "We're Definitely Not First Cousins Act" After Entire State Discovers It's One Big Family Reunion

In a bipartisan display of ingenuity, Maine state legislators unveiled the “We're Definitely Not First Cousins Act of 2026” late Thursday night, hours after the topic of genealogical records turned the U.S. Senate race into the state’s hottest family reunion.

The bill, co-sponsored by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers who suddenly discovered they share more great-great-grandparents than previously advertised, would require every candidate for state or federal office to submit a DNA-certified family tree before filing paperwork.

First cousins seeking marriage would still need the existing physician’s genetic counseling certificate, but second cousins would now be required to file a simple “We’re Definitely Not First Cousins” affidavit at the town office.

“People keep asking why second cousins are fine but first cousins need a doctor’s note,” said House Speaker Buddy Thibodeau (R-Madawaska), adjusting his flannel.

“Well, the genetic risk drops from ‘possible birth defect’ to ‘mild preference for poutine.’ That’s science. Also, half the St. John Valley would be ineligible for public office if we tightened it any further.”

Democratic Senate candidate Troy Jackson, whose longtime partner was recently confirmed by independent reporting to be his second cousin, declined comment through a spokesperson who is also, according to local rumor, related to three members of the Rules Committee.

Jackson’s campaign instead released a statement calling the entire controversy “a desperate attempt to distract by non-Mainer coastal elites who marry their trust funds instead of their cousins.”

Republican incumbent Sen. Susan Collins issued a measured response: “I have always believed Maine families should be free to love whom they choose — within the bounds of Title 19-A, Section 701, of course. I support genetic counseling for first cousins and free coffee for second cousins.”

The proposed legislation includes several practical provisions tailored to rural Maine:

1. A “Logger’s Exception” allowing couples who can prove both partners have spent at least 15 winters in the woods to skip the counseling requirement if they bring a cord of firewood to the clerk’s office.

2. Mandatory “Family Tree Office Hours” at every town hall, staffed by volunteers who can distinguish a first cousin from a second cousin once removed before the next election cycle.

3. A new campaign finance loophole permitting candidates to accept donations from relatives up to the fourth degree of consanguinity without disclosure, on the grounds that “everybody’s related up here anyway.”

Political analysts say the bill has strong momentum.

“In most states this would be a scandal,” noted University of Maine political scientist Dr. Elaine Jackson (no relation… probably).

“In Maine it’s just Tuesday. The real question is whether the next candidate will have to disclose if their running mate is also their niece.”

While gathering input from bystanders at a local rest stop, frequent Maine visitor and Connecticut resident Dick McDonough commented, "While I'm not a Maine voter, I think all of this anti-cousin marrying stuff is a bunch of malarkey.

"Connecticut just made it illegal to marry your first cousin in 2025... Luckily, I got in under the wire."