SatireApple CEO 'Fine' With 'Lake America', Relieved Trump Didn't Mention 'Pregnant Man' Emoji
Tech giant executive breathes sigh of relief as he passes the CEO baton, avoiding Trump's demands and potentially more fraught cultural battles.
CUPERTINO, CA – As he passed the reins to John Ternus today, former Apple CEO Tim Cook breathed a sigh of relief and confirmed that former President Donald J. Trump's latest cartographic dictate – renaming Lake Ontario to "Lake America" on Apple Maps – was "fine with him"...
"Let John deal with it..." he said.
"I'm sure Tim feels the massive weight that has been lifted off his shoulders..." remarked Ternus.
"Not only at no longer being responsible for leading the world's most iconic multi-trillion dollar company, but also at the fact that President Trump is now my problem. He's also happy that the president's last call didn't mention, shall we say, certain anthropomorphic digital iconography."
Indeed, sources indicate that Cook was particularly relieved that the President did not bring up, or include in his list of demands, any changes to the widely-debated "pregnant man" emoji in Apple's iOS.
However, Cook stressed to the new CEO that time was of the essence when working with the president on the maps issue.
"Look John, Google changed Google Maps in, like, five minutes...," said Cook. "You've got to act fast before the president gets distracted and comes back to you with other demands."
The change to Google Maps' "Lake America" was most assuredly already live. It not only featured bold, patriotic lettering, but also a screaming bald eagle favicon for good measure.
President Trump's original request, delivered via a direct call from the Oval Office to the former CEO himself on Monday caused a panic throughout the curved halls of Apple's HQ as the entire company prepared for the imminent leadership transition.
However, Cook, known for his judicious navigation of cultural sensitivities, was reportedly in a state of equanimity... Apparently appearing quite happy to be passing the baton of intense public scrutiny to his successor.
"It just goes to show," whispered a long-time janitor at Apple Park who witnessed Cook in the hallway earlier today and wished to remain anonymous, "some problems can just solve themselves...
"Especially when that problem is no longer yours and has nothing to do with some dude getting pregnant."
The Bugle's Inspiration
The hint of sweet truth behind the satire →
More from the Bugle
All Politics →Politics
DSA Youth Chapter Plays Berlin Wall Footage Backward To Show Workers Fleeing CapitalismPolitics
CFTC Assures White House It Will Find Whoever Noticed Suspicious $CL Oil TradesPolitics
'Nothing Stops This Cabin' AOC Fails To Solve Most Obvious Macroeconomic Puzzle In HistoryPolitics
'Gulag Gym Class' to Help Students Viscerally Understand Flaws of Central PlanningMarkets & Money
American Express ($AXP) Reassures Regulators That $13 Billion In Suspicious Transactions Earned Substantial Delta SkyMilesMarkets & Money
Recruiters Warn Jailing Executives Could Make Money Laundering Less Attractive To Top Talent
We use double opt-in because we value our subscribers: one email to confirm, nothing else until you click it. No spam. Unsubscribe whenever the joke stops landing.
The Batshit Bugle is satire. We invent fake news quotes, sources, and story details for comedic effect. References to real public figures are intentional parody of public discourse and should not be mistaken for factual reporting. We occasionally make up names of characters for fake news stories... Any resemblance to actual people, living, dead or undead, is unintentional and coincidental.