Streaming Platforms Struggling To Cast Characters Who Give Zero Fucks

LOS ANGELES — Following the historic Emmy sweep of Apple TV’s Widow’s Bay, rival streaming platforms are facing an unprecedented talent drought as they attempt to cast sharp-tongued, unfiltered females from an actor pool terrified of even mild interpersonal friction.

Casting executives admit that nearly a decade of institutionalized cultural sensitivity training has left modern actors psychologically incapable of playing characters with the unfiltered, deadpan chops of Dale Dickey, the actor who plays 'Rosemary' on the popular show.

"We auditioned a recent Harvard graduate, a Hasty Pudding alumna. We asked her to look her onscreen brother directly in the eye and tell him his haircut looked like a cry for help... She immediately began weeping into a weighted blanket," said HBO casting director Dylan Wood.

"Sure, there's still a deep bench of talent for soft-spoken, restorative dialogue for shows like It’s Just Like That or Paramount’s Star Trek: Starfleet Academy, if you're into that kind of thing... But the vibes have changed... Now we're actively looking for a geriatric who casually mocks someone’s sexual proclivities.

"Sadly, it seems the market for actors capable of abrasive humor has ceased to exist."

Talent agencies are said to be desperate, rapidly relocating scouts from Southern California to the Everglades, searching for performers untainted by culturally scrubbed, conservatory etiquette.

At press time, Paramount executives had reportedly found a chain-smoking retired dental hygienist in a Fort Lauderdale airport terminal, signing her to a three-season first-look deal.