$COIN Management Warns Shareholders Next Wave Of Crypto Investors Potentially Less Gullible

Coinbase ($COIN) warned shareholders Thursday that the next wave of crypto investors could potentially be less gullible than the last, cautioning that incoming institutional allocators simply may not believe lofty goals, such as "banking the unbanked" or escaping the tyranny of Western Union.

“We can’t rely on the old hand wavy mission-driven playbook,” said institutional sales director Krystal Bruno.

“When slide decks pitch programmable contracts as tools of human liberation, investment committees are no longer nodding along... No, they're asking why the fuck anyone would need that, while demanding insurance, reassurances on counterparty risk and an estimate of custodial fees.”

Internal client materials describe the profile of the new investor cohort as "stubbornly pragmatic" meaning basically anyone who requests audited financial statements rather than an ideological white paper.

Shareholders ultimately took the warning in stride, comforted by management’s assurance that Coinbase's earnings would continue to be measured in dollars regardless of the company's philosophical objections to fiat currency.