Both Parties Warn Voting Wrong Will End America (Triggering Yet Another Year Of $SPX Gains...)

WASHINGTON — Referring to Tuesday’s looming midterms as the most important election in history and the last chance to prevent our nation's collapse, leaders of both parties ignored that voting incorrectly would subject Americans to another year of $SPX gains.

"If these radical left lunatics win, we are looking at instant communism and a 1929-style Great Depression like nobody has ever seen," President Donald J. Trump warned at a Pennsylvania rally, predicting that American commerce would collapse into immediate obsolescence.

"Our great country will cease to exist... Believe me, it will literally be gone by Friday!!"

Across the aisle, Senator Bernie Sanders offered an equally stark assessment of the impending catastrophe.

"Let me be perfectly clear," Sanders shouted during a livestream. "If the billionaire class takes Congress, corporate oligarchs will retreat into luxury subterranean bunkers to dine on the flesh of working-class toddlers while democracy is incinerated."

At press time, Goldman Sachs analysts noted the S&P 500 has risen every single year following the midterms since 1950, including past elections in which voters definitively ended America.