SatireGoldman Upgrades Subpoenas To “Strong Buy”
Analysts cite unconstrained supply and nearly unlimited demand for retribution following midterm results.
NEW YORK — Hours after Democrats took control of both the Senate and the House, Goldman Sachs upgraded congressional subpoenas to “Strong Buy,” citing “robust forward demand” and “virtually unlimited supply.”
“Gold has a supply problem. Subpoenas don’t,” said senior strategist Chad Wexley-Pruitt, pointing to a chart steeper than Nvidia’s.
“Just like dollars, the government can literally just print more.”
The note also predicts a rally in “litigation-adjacent equities,” led by Domino’s, which analysts expect to benefit from late-night legal strategy sessions.
“We estimate that every subpoena equates to roughly 2.3 large pepperonis,” the note reads. “More if it involves a member of the executive branch.”
Office-supply retailers are also expected to soar on demand for printer paper, legal pads, banker’s boxes, highlighters and 'Wite-Out' pens.
The note flags one supply-chain risk: the fact that criminal referrals go to the Justice Department, which is run by the administration being investigated. “While this could create friction, we believe the 'Blue Wave' will have a halo effect,” Wexley-Pruitt said.
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