Fed Chair Hikes Rates Just To Get Inevitable Trump Nickname Over With

WASHINGTON — Following weeks of debilitating insomnia fueled by sheer anticipatory dread, Federal Reserve Chair Kevin Warsh delivered a 25-basis-point rate hike Wednesday morning... The move was a deliberate provocation to force President Donald J. Trump to issue him his inevitable, derogatory nickname.

Central bank insiders confirmed that Warsh had grown unraveled in recent days by the agonizing silence from the Oval Office. Aides shared, off the record, the former banker was tossing and turning each night wondering when the axe would fall on him as "Low-IQ Kevin," "Special K," "Powell Junior," or something far worse.

"Chair Warsh would sometimes sit bolt upright in bed at 4:00 a.m. after a nightmare of permutations running through his head," said senior Fed policy adviser Malik Ross.

"He tried eye masks, eating clean, tried melatonin... Frankly, nothing works when you’re waiting on an inevitable 2:00 a.m. Truth Social blast from the President. The President wanted rate cuts, so Kevin looked at the board and said,

'Fuck it... Let’s just get this over with.'"

"When Jerome Powell was Chair, he knew where he stood - he was Trump's nemesis... Like an enemy of the people, straightforward, predictable," explained chief monetary analyst Bristol Swindell.

"But Kevin was in the dark, like sitting in a bath of ink. Doing the exact opposite of what the White House demanded was the only reliable way for him to reclaim a bit of REM sleep."

Minutes after the rate hike hit the wire, staff reportedly watched Warsh set his phone to "Do Not Disturb," close the blinds of his corner office, and collapse onto an executive daybed as notifications steadily flooded in on social media demanding 'Hikeahontas' to 'LOWER THE INTEREST RATES FOR THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND FAST!' and hailing the arrival of 'The Rate Ruiner'.

At press time, it was unclear whether President Trump believed the Fed chair has falsely claimed to have Native American heritage.