SatireTrump Reassures Voters Inflation Less Noticeable When Groceries Financed Over 30 Years
President urges Americans to stop obsessing over sticker prices and start using good debt.
WASHINGTON — Ahead of the midterm elections, President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to tell voters that inflation becomes barely noticeable when spread over a 30-year term.
He demanded that grocery stores, auto dealers, gas stations and insurance companies allow Americans finance everyday purchases until well into retirement.
The initiative, branded by the White House as "Long-Term American Greatness," encourages consumers to convert acute financial dread into smaller, bite-sized tranches of gloom extending through 2056.
"People walk into a grocery store, they see twelve dollars for bacon, and they want to collapse right there in aisle four," Trump said during a subsequent address at the White House.
"A tremendous mistake. You don't take the hit on a Thursday. You take that bacon, you finance it over thirty years at a very beautiful rate...
"It’s called leverage.
"Suddenly you’re only feeling zero-point-two percent of the ruin each month."
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The Batshit Bugle is satire. We invent fake news quotes, sources, and story details for comedic effect. References to real public figures are intentional parody of public discourse and should not be mistaken for factual reporting. We occasionally make up names of characters for fake news stories... Any resemblance to actual people, living, dead or undead, is unintentional and coincidental.