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    Fast Bitcoin Sidechain Also Moves Nonexistent Bitcoin Extremely Fast — Batshit Bugle satirical news illustrationSatire

    Fast Bitcoin Sidechain Also Moves Nonexistent Bitcoin Extremely Fast

    Breakthrough allows unbacked coins to clear federation bridge in record time.

    By Staff Writer
    •

    SEPT. 12, 2026 — In what analysts are calling a major breakthrough for Bitcoin scaling, Blockstream’s Liquid Network this week demonstrated that a sidechain built to settle bitcoin quickly can also settle bitcoin that does not exist, and can do so extremely fast.

    The incident began when a software shortcut in Elements, Liquid’s underlying code, allowed roughly 4,000 L-BTC to be created without any corresponding bitcoin locked in the federation reserve... The tokens then entered a standard peg-out. Eleven of fifteen federation keys signed. Real bitcoin left.

    The whole process was, by all accounts, extremely fast.

    “Confidential transactions hide the amounts so thoroughly that even the nodes sometimes forget whether the money is there,” said one person familiar with range proofs, who asked not to be named. “The system remembered that a proof had been checked. It just did not necessarily remember that it had checked a different proof.”

    Liquid was designed to give bitcoin users faster settlement, confidentiality, and issued assets without waiting for base-chain confirmations. This week it added a fourth feature: inflation that does not require a soft fork, a hard fork, a salad fork, or anyone to even admit they know what a fork is...

    While the party that created the unbacked L-BTC described themselves as "white hats" and returned about 3,400 BTC after Blockstream said the bridge nodes were patched, the hackers retained roughly 600 BTC as a tip.

    "Everyone asks for a tip these days, and, I mean we've all seen those checkout terminals that start at 15%, so we thought that amount was OK...," the hackers wrote via OP_RETURN.

    Blockstream CEO Adam Back, while assuring users the 1:1 peg would be fully covered, expressed genuine admiration for the sheer throughput of the settlement.

    “Historically, draining a federated peg takes hours of tedious coordination,” Back remarked. “Our architecture validated and routed thousands of fake bitcoin through eleven signers and out to the main chain before anyone even had time to check the reserve.

    "From a pure latency standpoint, it was breathtakingly efficient.” Peg-outs remain paused while the reserve is restored. The network has resumed producing blocks, which is also fast.

    At press time, bitcoin’s cap at the base layer remained intact at 21-million, whereas on Liquid it was 21-million (and change).

    #bitcoin#cryptocurrency#blockstream#tech

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