Waters Unveils Crypto Bill Drafted With WordPerfect

WASHINGTON — Newly reelected Rep. Maxine Waters (D-Calif.) unveiled a sweeping cryptocurrency framework Thursday.

Staffers confirmed the proposed 400-page amendment to the Clarity Act, which could define how the public utilizes a complex, emerging technology for years to come, was written in WordPerfect 5.1, saved to a floppy disk, and sent to the committee from her AOL account.

“It took us several days just to convert the file,” said one aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity because the oldest member of congress insisted he keep her computer password taped to his monitor.

“...She asked us to fax her a copy so she could see if it went through.”

Supporters say the 88-year-old lawmaker brings real experience to the concept of scarce digital assets because she was about 33 when Nixon took the dollar off gold.

“I mean, she has watched money go from shiny rocks to paper to this, so...” said one Capitol Hill historian. “I guess she’s seen more fiat currencies die than anyone...?”

The bill includes a description of Ethereum as “one of those Nintendo things”, mandates 1-800 numbers for all blockchains and requires crypto exchanges to close after 4:00 pm during the week and entirely on weekends.